Help Your Teen Learn to Back Down Without Losing Face

Some teens just don't seem to have the ability to back down. They can't admit they're wrong, even when they are.

Parents need to help these teens (usually, but not always boys) learn how to back down. And they need to help them realize that backing down doesn't always mean losing face.

Possibly the best way to do this is by backing down once in a while yourself. Suppose you and your teen have gone toe-to-toe over some issue.

Try to back off a little. Say, "It's clear you have strong opinions. I do, too. Let's consider both opinions before reaching a final decision."

Then take time to think things over. You may be able to reach an agreement later. Or, by then, you may be able to say, "It really is your decision. I hope you will respect my right to differ with you, but I'll let you make the call on this one."

Of course, if it's an issue that is important, you may still be able to step in without belittling him.

You could say, "I respect your opinion. But it is my responsibility to make sure you don't do anything that will put you in danger. Right now, I think your choice would do that. So I'm going to have to say no."

Your teen won't like it, but he will feel you've listened to him. And because you have proved that you will change your mind at times, he will also be more likely to accept your decision - even if he grumbles while doing so.

Teens Will Learn Best From Natural Consequences

Discipline works best if it's tied to responsibility. That's especially true for teens, who will be on their own in a few years or less. A great way to do this is to make use of natural consequences.

Natural consequences happen according to what your teen does. They have nothing to do with you. Your teen will learn far more if you don't fix everything for her.

This doesn't apply to emergencies or situations where your teen could get hurt if you don't step in.

Apply natural consequences for things like forgotten homework assignments. Maybe your daughter has forgotten to take her completed homework to school five times in the last two months. Why should she ever remember if you always rush it to school the minute she calls you?

But if you let her take zeros a few times, chances are she'll get organized and start remembering.

When Teens Stop Listening, Try Listening to Them Instead

There comes a time in nearly every teen's life when Mom and Dad don't know much. That's when even your simplest advice will bring a quick dismissal: "I kno-o-o-w."

Of course, teens mostly don't know, and you know they don't know. Still, it's hard to talk to a child who has decided to tune you out completely.

Here are some practical tips for when teens stop listening:

* Listen to them. When your teen talks to you, try just listening. Don't offer a lot of unwelcome advice. Teens want to figure things out alone. Sometimes, by talking to you, they may actually do that.

* Give teens some control. Sometimes, the hardest thing parents can do is say "yes." But it is important to let teens make as many decisions as they can. If your child is talking about something you think is a bad idea, start by asking, "Can you list the reasons why that might be a good idea and other reasons why it might not?" If your teen comes to a decision to do what you think is right, you can feel more confident about her judgment. And of course you can always step in to put a stop to anything you really don't want her to do.

* Keep an open mind. Try to see things from your teen's point of view. That doesn't mean you'll always agree, and it certainly doesn't mean you should give in when you think she's wrong.

But on some issues, you may change your mind when you hear your teen's reasons.

* Let teens know you've made mistakes, too. It's hard for any of us to admit we're wrong. If you acknowledge some slip-ups of your own, you'll make it a little easier.

* Relax if you can. Teens need to solve problems for themselves. In a few years, they'll have to do it. Pick your battles. When possible, let things ride. Teens do start listening again.

Studies Show Playing Sports Actually Helps Teens in School

Study after study shows that taking part in sports actually helps a teen in school. Student athletes also have fewer behavior problems than those who don't play sports.

Why do sports have such a positive effect? Student athletes feel more connected to their school.

As a result, they are less likely to have discipline problems. Their attendance also improves, since most coaches won't let athletes practice if they didn't go to class.

The confidence students gain from sports may also affect their learning. The same "I-can-do-it" attitude that helps them learn how to shoot jumpshots or score goals can also help them stick to learning algebra or French.

Finally, students in sports learn every day that practice makes perfect. That's a good lesson for the classroom, as well.

Good Communication Can Prevent Behavior Problems

The way parents communicate with children has a lot to do with how they behave.

There are no magic formulas or words parents can use to prevent misbehavior. But there are techniques that often work.

Parents should give children lots of praise and encouragement. That's because children who misbehave often feel insecure. They need to feel accepted and valued.

Parents should also:

* Spend time with your child every day. Give her all of your attention when she talks. Make eye contact.

* Pay more attention to your child when she's being good - not when she's misbehaving.

*Encourage your child to express her opinions. Listen openly without criticizing.

* Encourage your child to be active. Exercise eases stress that could cause a child to be aggressive or hyperactive.

* Explain why rules are needed. Also involve your child in making rules and consequences.

* Give directions only once... and with a calm voice.

* Be an example. Make sure your words and actions show you respect the law and rights of others.

* Communicate with the school. Know the school rules. And keep in touch through parent-teacher conferences and meetings in between.

Don't Wait for a Conference to Talk to a Teacher

Have you been in your child's school since you were there for parent-teacher conferences? Have you talked with your child's teacher lately?

Don't wait. You don't need a reason to talk with your child's teachers. You might drop by the classroom before school. Spend a few minutes talking about how hard you know he's working. Or let the teacher know if you think your child is making progress.

If you need a conference, be sure to ask for one. If you don't, try to find times to have shorter talks with the teacher.

Watch Your Teen Carefully for Signs of Depression

Depression, a common illness in adults, often shows up during the teen years.

Because teens are naturally so moody, it may be hard for parents to tell if they are suffering from a serious form of depression.

Seek professional help (school counselor, doctor, clergy) if you notice any of the following signs in your teen:

* A strong interest in music or poetry that is about death.

* Problems sleeping or getting up.

* A drop in grades that doesn't correct the next quarter.

* Loss of appetite.

*Abuse of alcohol or drugs.

Help Your Teen Set Realistic Academic Goals

How can parents work with their child's school to set realistic academic goals? How can you be sure your teen is enrolled in challenging classes that are not overwhelming?

Eleanor Saslaw, director of guidance at West Springfield High School in Springfield, Virginia, says that the key for parents is to "watch, look, and listen." Some of her tips for parents:

* Ask yourself who is setting the expectations for your teenager? It can be stressful for a teen to try to live out a parent's dream.

* Consider how your child reacts to pressure. Many students will remain unfazed in stressful academic situations, while others react as if in a pressure cooker.

* Remember teens change over time. "A high school senior can usually handle a situation that might have been impossible when she was a freshman," Saslaw says.

* Keep the lines of communication open - but remember that teens tell you as much through their behavior as through their words. A teen who never seems to do any homework probably needs greater challenges. A teen who studies until midnight and falls into bed exhausted may need to find a way to ease up.